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classic old lady

Turbo Custard

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This was sent in to a bank in the UK by a 98 (yes NINETY EIGHT) year old lady. The bank manager thought it funny enough to send it in to the Times newspaper



Dear Sir,


I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I

endeavored to pay my plumber last month.


By my calculations, three nanoseconds' must have elapsed

between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account

of the funds needed to honour it.


I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my

Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for

only thirty eight years.


You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of

opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of

penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.


My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident

has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.


I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone

calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted

by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity

which your bank has become.


From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a

flesh-and-blood person.


My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no

longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque,

addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your

bank whom you must nominate.


Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any

other person to open such an envelope.


Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I

require your chosen employee to complete.


I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as

much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no



Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must

be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of

his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and

liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.


In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which

he/she must quote in dealings with me.


I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I

have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me

to access my account balance on your phone bank service.


As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.


Let me level the playing field even further.


When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1.. To make an appointment to see me.

2.. To query a missing payment.

3.. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4.. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5.. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to


6.. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at


7.. To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my

computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at

a later date to the Authorized Contact.)

8.. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1

through to 8.

9.. To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will

then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated

answering service.


While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting

music will play for the duration of the call.


Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy

an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new



May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous,

New Year?


Your Humble Client

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